Rakhi Day

Just wanted to give you a heads-up . . . August 2 is Raksha Bandhan, or Rakhi Day.  This is my favorite Indian holiday, which celebrates the love between brothers and sisters.  It falls on a different day each year, because it's set according to the lunar calendar, so you just have to remember to Go*gle it to find out when it is.

Siblings celebrate by exchanging bracelets to symbolize the bond of love that ties them together.  Brothers pledge to protect and love their sisters, and sisters pledge their lifelong love for their brothers.  They also exchange sweets to represent the sweet lifelong bond they share.

We celebrate with an Indian meal, and time spent around the table exchanging bracelets, candy, and sweet words about things they love about each other.  For a more detailed description, you can visit www.raksha-bandhan.com.

Cucumber Raita

For summer, an easy Indian dish I love to make is a Cucumber Raita.  Raitas are meant to be served as a complement to spicy dishes, but it's also a great way to add Indian flair to summer meals . . . and a great way to use some of the cucumbers from your garden.  You can eat raita as a side dish if it's thicker and chunkier, mix it into a spicy curry on your plate, or use it as a dip with naan or pita bread.

I prefer this recipe because it uses cilantro instead of mint;  but that's purely a matter of preference.  Many raitas include only mint, while some have mint and cilantro.  Feel free to be creative with the recipe and adjust it to your own taste!

Cucumber Raita

1 large (or 2 small) cucumber, peeled and seeded
8 oz. of plain yogurt (or Greek yogurt for more protein)
1/2 to 2/3 cup fresh cilantro leaves, coarsely chopped
1/4 tsp. ground coriander
1/4 tsp. ground cumin
salt and cayenne pepper to taste

Chop or shred cucumber.  (If you shred the cucumber, shred it into a colander and let the liquid drain off for 20-30 min. so your raita isn't too runny.)  In a medium bowl, mix together yogurt and spices.  Stir in cilantro and cucumber. Garnish with cilantro and chill for 1/2 hour before serving.

Enjoy!

A few rites of passage

The past two weekends brought very different rites of passage for our kids.  First, Anya Rashi is pleased to say that she now has pierced ears!  I didn't originally think we would have them done at age five (I had to wait until I was 12!), but we went ahead for two reasons.

First, we needed a serious reward for stopping thumbsucking.  Like many of her cribmates in Kolkata, Anya Rashi has been a thumbsucker from infancy on.  Some of our earliest photos of her show a sweet little face with a thumb popped in it -- in fact, she sometimes developed a callous from so much use!

With kindergarten approaching, we decided to work on quitting, which was relatively easy to do if her "fuzzy" (her pink blankie) stayed on her bed all day instead of traveling around the house.  We agreed that she could have her ears pierced if she could make it 30 days with no daytime thumbsucking at all.  Carefully, she wrote down every successful day on a chart on the refrigerator . . . and before we knew it, she had made it 30 days!

Our second reason for piercing before kindergarten was about blending with some of the Indian families at our school.  Another adoptive mother brought the cultural aspect of ear piercing to my attention.  My friend has a Hispanic daughter, and it's a norm within her daughter's culture to pierce girls' ears as infants.  In India, many families do the same thing.  Because we have quite a few Indian families at our school, we thought it might be a good idea to have her ears pierced before school starts in September.

At her kindergarten orientation, I discovered that there will be at least three Indian girls in her grade, so we decided to go ahead.  There certainly are girls in India who don't have their ears pierced as babies -- but we chose to "blend" in this regard as a way to have there be one less difference between Anya Rashi and other girls who share her heritage.  There are many ways our family will be different than her classmates' families, so we decided to take this one small difference out of the equation.

She was SO excited on the big day, and was giddy as she chose her earrings. The excitement continued as the ladies washed her ears and marked them with a dot.  Then when they approached her to get the job done, she started to whimper and panic.  After a few conversations, browsing for future earring purchases, and watching a younger girl have her ears pierced without any outward sign of pain (wow!), Anya Rashi was ready.

This time, she sat on my lap to bolster her courage.  We had told her that it would feel like her earlobes were being pinched, but didn't think to tell her that it would sound loud -- that seemed to surprise her.  Almost before she knew it, it was over, with just a few tears that were quickly replaced by a huge grin.  She is very proud of herself, and is happy to show anyone we meet her new blue earrings.

* * * * * * * *

Our other rite of passage wasn't quite so much fun.  Yesterday we discovered that our car had a flat tire, so Peter decided it was a good time to show the kids how to change a tire.  Thankfully, it happened while the car was parked in our driveway!  We'll see how much Nathan and Aaron remember in 5-6 years when they're ready to drive.  I'm sure those years will pass all too quickly!

A snippet of good news

Sick of having her hair combed out, Anya Rashi decided to have four inches of hair cut off!

Just thought I'd do a quick post with a little snippet of good adoption news: Dillon International e-mailed to let us know that their license has been renewed by CARA!  Before it expired in May, Dillon had diligently submitted all of the required paperwork to continue being an international placement agency in India.

In the past CARA has usually renewed it within 2-3 months of expiration, and it was reassuring to see them follow the same timeline as in the past. In theory, if any of the orphanages have children's paperwork ready to be matched with families, Dillon is cleared to receive those referrals.  And some happy family will get that amazing phone call . . .

Here's hoping someone does!

  

India Heritage Camp

After 2,000 miles of travel in our 10-year-old minivan, our first big family roadtrip was voted a success by all five members of the family!  The centerpiece of our travels was Tulsa, Oklahoma, where we experienced our first India Heritage Camp, hosted by our adoption agency, Dillon International.

For our boys, this meant participating in their age groups' activities, which included Indian cooking, dance, yoga, henna painting, and preparing songs and skits for the closing ceremonies.  For our daughter, camp included all those things plus one more:  the chance to be reunited with some of the children who also began their lives in the care of ISRC Kolkata.  Anya Rashi was able to spend time with the now grown-up little girls who once shared a crib with her.

Upon our arrival in Tulsa, we spied Jenya and Devi and their mothers Karen and Julie walking across the parking lot of our hotel.  It was so surreal to see these girls and their mothers in person, after following their lives from afar on my computer.  I felt like I sat beside them as they saw photos of their new daughters, waited for court dates, traveled to India, and grafted their new little dears into their hearts and families.  And then all three of us began the journey again, waiting for second daughter from across the world.  We shared meals and many conversations, and left with our online imaginings of each other fleshed out into real-life friendships.

Later that night, I met Susie, mom to Anna Dola and Mihika, who recognized Aaron from reading our blog.  And the next day, when camp officially began, it was a thrill to meet Heather and Nathan, who took us along via their blog as they welcomed Piyashi Wren and Shiva Traveller home . . . and their were so many other children and parents who were recognizable from shared photos over the past five years.  The experience had the feeling of being united with long-lost family members, though we all come from different parts of the country, and different walks of life.

Anya Rashi is often hesitant about new experiences or being left in the care of new people -- but she went right into India camp without a backward glance.  She dove right in with the other children as if they had known each other for years . . . and the fanciful part of me likes to think that there was some kind of shared memory of each other from their baby days.

Another really wonderful thing was the camp "graduates" who helped with the young campers.  Anya Rashi has since talked about Miss Tess and Miss Theresa, both from ISRC, who helped in her room.  Anya is particularly fascinated by the fact that they are teenagers, that they were once campers themselves, and that they looked like her.  Those comments alone were like gold.

Some of the kids took my breath away because I saw them while we were in India.  Mihika and Anna Dola are two children we photographed for their waiting parents, and it was incredible to see them in person 4 1/2 years later.  We were also thrilled to meet Jynger, the India program director for Dillon, in person at last!  She's been our link to sanity, our information source, and the explainer of incomprehensible rules and processes for years now. 

And the other huge blessing was the India Association of the Tulsa area.  They provided cultural expertise for most of the camp classes, and staffed a "store" during camp where families without access to Indian items could update their children's Indian clothing, purchase bindis, and more.

Because we live so far away, we may not be able to go every year -- but it was so worth it to invest the time and money to go.  My only regret is that there were other families we've "met" online who weren't able to be there.  I would love to see Max Rup and his family, and Luke Swarnadip, Prasun, Jansen, Elizabeth Tanuja, and other children we photographed when we met Anya Rashi for the first time.  Maybe another year . . .

Edited to add:  This camp is not just for Dillon International families!  Families who adopted through other agencies were there too, and are most definitely welcome.  If you live anywhere near Tulsa, it is definitely worth the trip!

When strangers ask questions | Part 4

In this last installment of the series, I wanted to address the topic of how we talk about God in the context of adoption.  Many adoptive parents are partly motivated by religious reasons.  None of our adoption classes or training talked about this subject, but I often see God referenced in both secular and Christian blogs and adoption chat rooms.  The subject of God comes up when people at church talk to us about adoption, or in a more general way with strangers who are usually remarking about what a blessing we are to our daughter.  With strangers, these kinds of comments usually fall under the "she is lucky to have you" type of conversations.

I'm going to rely again on the expertise of Jane Brown, MSW.  She conducts workshops with teen and adult adoptees, and the things she shared on this topic are all drawn from what older adoptees themselves have said.  I really appreciate the window she is providing into the perceptions of adoptees -- many times, I have been surprised by how differently adoptees perceive things compared to my perceptions as an adoptive parent.  I know that every child is different, and not every adopted person will experience things the same way . . . but I'm grateful to hear some things that would not have occurred to me.  I hope it will make me a better and more sensitive parent.

Many of us make comments to others about how our family was "meant to be," or that God planned for our children to be part of our family.  Jane Brown encourages adoptive parents to be careful with our words, because they may unintentionally cause confusion in our kids:
While young children accept that at face value, and may even say it too, the teen/adult adoptee may very well see this quite differently. Many to most think to themselves that if that is the case, then God had to have also intended for their first family to be destroyed, just so that you could be their parents -- and are NOT terribly thrilled with that image. . . .
What I say to my children is that HUMANS make the problems that separate children from their original parents. God holds us in His capable hands when we are hurting, alone, without a family. . . . God held them until we made that decision and the timing was such that they were available just at the time that our paperwork was completed. Adoption -- for a child -- yields both gain and grief over who they were separated from and who they otherwise might have been. . . . Our lack of sensitivity to the fact that adopted kids see and experience adoption far differently than we, their parents do . . . gets in the way of kids being able to claim and express their all-too-real feelings, which helps them stay psychologically healthy.

This was difficult for me to read, but I can see how a child might wonder whether God meant for their first family to be so poor that they couldn't care for him, or to die of HIV/AIDS so they could join our family.  I do believe that God cares about and has a plan for each person's life -- but I will be careful how I talk about that.  I think that the idea of "beauty for ashes" is a metaphor that includes the idea of God's sovereignty, but also encompasses the difficult human circumstances behind the need for adoption.  God specializes in turning sadness, difficulties and pain (ashes) into something redemptive and beautiful -- story after story in the Bible fleshes that out -- without forgetting or diminishing the painful parts of the story.

I hope that this idea will resonate differently than the less complex "meant to be" interpretation, especially when my daughters are older.  I think it's significant that the resurrected Jesus still bore the wounds of his painful death -- that pain is one of the very things that makes His love so amazing and inexplicable.  In the same way, our children may still grapple with the painful parts of their stories, even while appreciating the fact that they are beloved members of our families. (Or not -- they may resent us completely as they grieve the loss of their birth family, and our job is to love them well through that.)  Pain and joy can co-exist for them (and for us), if we give our children permission to acknowledge and express all the facets of their experience.

The other word that we have chosen to be cautious about is "orphan."  Many Christians are passionate about caring for "widows and orphans," as described in James 1:27.  There are ministries devoted to "orphan care" which do terrific work around the globe.  There are many countries ravaged by AIDS or war in which children are literally orphans; but that isn't the case for all children living in orphanages.  The reality is that Anya Rashi is not an orphan.  Our daughter does have living birth parents, and so we choose not to reference "orphans" at all when we talk about her adoption.  It can be confusing to a child to know she has birth parents, but hear adoption discussed in terms of caring for orphans, so that's the reasoning behind our decision.  When she is older, she will likely be able to understand better that there are a variety of reasons children are placed in orphanages or foster care -- but for now we want to create a foundation of clarity about her own story.

The idea of her birth parents is something Anya Rashi has struggled to understand.  When she was four, she told me, "I know what the birth mother does, but what does the birth father do?"  (Gulp.)  We did have a good discussion last week about her birth mother.  After her bath, Anya Rashi asked me what belly buttons do.  We had a great talk about how she was connected to her birth mother through her umbilical cord, and was fed through it, and received oxygen that her birth mother breathed.  She was pretty fascinated by the idea, and it seemed to make her birth mother more real to her.  I must say that I never thought a belly button could lead to a profound adoption discussion. ;)

* * * * * * * * * *

I want to thank Jane Brown for giving me permission to share what she has learned from adoptees themselves -- some of it is difficult to hear, but I am glad to have my eyes opened to how adoptees might perceive things very differently than I do.  Thank you so much for reading along, and for sharing some of your thoughts or experiences in the comments!

When strangers ask questions | Part 3

Here are a few suggestions for how to answer those intrusive questions we often encounter as transracial families.  I hope you'll share your own experiences and answers that are effective in the comments section.  These answers are intended for literal strangers, not your cousin or friend who wants to adopt, and wants to ask about the adoption process.  For those questions, I would suggest going out for coffee or something similar without your child along -- not to hide what goes on in the adoption process, but to err on the side of your child not feeling like she is the focus of the conversation yet again.

Here are a few things I try to keep in mind when I answer questions:
1. Resist the urge to overexplain.
I don't go into details about how my biological children were conceived with anybody else (!), and I have no obligation to explain how my adopted children came into our family either.  Your child's story is his to share someday as he chooses -- and only he should choose who knows the details.

Jane Brown shared some insight from adoptees themselves:
"It is often far more difficult for our children than we realize, when people ask intrusive questions and we respond by giving lots of information about their having been adopted. As children grow older, the unwanted attention makes them feel as though they are out for Show and Tell, and most decidedly do NOT want to be the 'poster child' for adoption.  Most children who discuss this in [my] adoption workshops (amongst their adopted peers and the teen/adult adoptee volunteers) say that they wish their parents would not brag about the adoption when others give their parents the opportunity by asking about their looks -- their apparent differentness.  This does not demonstrate a wish to hide their adoption status because they are ashamed of that, merely a wish to not have their parents give personal information that makes them feel different from most others. 

I think we have to remember that we are modeling for our children the various ways we can respond. Whether we establish and keep boundaries will help our children feel that it is permissible to do that too, or instead, feel compelled to tell all when they really do not want to. I've seen far too many adult adoptees sit on adoptive panels, receive very intrusive questions, and tell all, after which they burst into tears and say privately that they always give away too much and then feel sick afterward and wonder why they can't stop themselves. Some realize, at that point, that that was how they felt when their parents gave away personal information when they were young.   

2. Recognize that your child may perceive adoption completely differently than you do -- respect that, and always prioritize for preserving your child's dignity, feelings and privacy.
Our children will each grapple with different facets of adoption.  The fact is, she didn't choose to be adopted in the first place.  My job is to understand that as the adoptive parent, I was the one who had a choice in the adoption process.  My child had no say in the circumstances she was born into, and had no say in losing her first parents, leaving her country/family of origin, and missing out on being part of that culture.  These are all losses that many child, teen and adult adoptees grapple with.  Adoption can be wonderful, but it always involves major losses for the child, the birth parents, and even the adoptive parents (infertility, etc.).  Be open to the fact that your child may be sad about different things at different times, and be sure to honor those losses in how you talk to strangers.  Part of our job as adoptive parents is to create a safe environment for our kids to talk about their grief, and we don't do that when our kids consistently hear only the happy aspects of adoption, or when we tell the story to strangers solely from our point of view, as the ones who had all the power and choices in the adoption. 

3. Sometimes answering with a question is the most polite, direct way to stop a conversation.  "Why do you ask?" is powerful -- it exposes that the person is just idly curious or nosy (if that's the case).  Then, if people have another motive, such as considering adoption themselves, you can invite them to discuss it at another time.  If they are wondering about birthparents and their circumstances, a polite but firm statement is appropriate: "I'm sorry, but that's private information, and not something we share with strangers."

4. Follow up with your child after a stranger asks questions.
It is so important to invite our kids' input into these situations, and acknowledge that strangers' questions can affect them.  Some examples of things to ask our kids are:  "That lady seemed really curious.  How did her questions make you feel?  How do you wish I had answered her?  How can I handle that differently in the future?"  Jane suggests asking our kids to rate our answer on a scale of 1-10, then asking what our child would like us to add or leave out.

Frequently asked questions & statements, and some possible responses:
"Where is she from?"  
My favorite thing to do in this situation is to say, "We live in Springfield. How about you?" Of course, they are usually asking where my child was born, but my answer is a cue to them that I am at the store (or whatever) to get my errand done, not to satisfy their curiosity.  Answering in the plural ("we"),  also prevents Anya Rashi from feeling singled out.  Most people have not continued the conversation after that.  If they persist in asking questions, I might say "Sorry -- we are in a hurry/we are watching the game, etc."  If people keep asking me questions, I also like to turn the tables and politely start asking them questions about where their family is from.  That strategy shifts the focus off of my daughter.

"She is beautiful/your family is beautiful."
Usually I just smile and say "thank you," and sometimes it ends there.  (After all, I happen to agree!)  If it's another mom with kids, I might pay a compliment back about her children, or ask their ages or something.  In my experience over the past 4 years, this question has often been a kind of introductory volley.  People sometimes use a compliment to start what they hope will be a longer conversation, with questions about our family.  If that it seems like that's where someone is headed, I might use body language and shift my attention/focus to indicate that the conversation is done.  I don't mean to be rude, but I won't be overly polite to a stranger at the expense of making Anya Rashi the unwilling focus of conversation.  If they are persistent, I might say, "Thanks for being interested in our family, but we don't give out information about any of our kids to someone we've just met."

Because our other children are boys, they are not sensitive to beauty-oriented questions.  But if we had biological or Caucasian adopted daughters who were continually overlooked in these conversations, I am sure these kinds of comments could be very hurtful.  If anyone has answers to this kind of situation, please feel free to chime in in the comments.

"Are they siblings?"
We don't have our next daughter home yet, but parents with more than one adopted child tell me they get this question all the time.  The shortest, most accurate answer is "Yes." You don't have to offer any other information.

"I don't know if I could love a child who is not mine/my real child." 
I've heard variations of this statement.  If it's a stranger who is clueless enough to say this IN FRONT of my daughter, then I'm sorry to say that I have no patience and am likely to say, "Then it's probably good you're not planning to adopt."  I might also say "Well, that's no problem, because she is mine/my real child."

Some of these answers look a little rude in print -- I always try to remain kind and polite, and I think my tone softens how blunt the answers look on the computer screen.  It's important to recognize how much, as women, we are raised to be polite or nice -- that alone is part of the uncomfortability of some of these answers.  But I do like to keep in mind the "intent vs. impact" issue, and land squarely in favor of protecting my daughter.

  I will post one more time on this topic next week.  Thanks for reading and considering this topic.