Amazing NOC news!

K is very much on all of our minds!
Anya's kindergarten class is studying India this month. 
Inside this elephant, she wrote "to K_____, from Anya." 
Melted my heart! She also brought home a map of India that she colored,
and she had drawn a boat in the ocean, and wrote "K____'s boat."
And just to bring a tear to my eye, her sweet teacher had
drawn in dot and written "Bangalore" on Anya's map.

I can hardly believe it's true . . . but we received an e-mail yesterday saying that we received NOC! 

Early last week, our orphanage e-mailed to say that the state clearance board had mailed our paperwork to CARA, so we were prepared for a much longer wait.  The shortest we expected was one month, as one recent family experienced -- so we were in shock when we read the e-mail from Jynger, our agency rep.

That means our NOC was granted in about ONE WEEK!  Amazing! 

Now our case will head into the court system.  We have no idea what to expect about how long court will take in our city . . . one recent family's case was very fast (one month), but another agency sent word that it can take as long as 9 - 12 months. 

So we are praying for another happy surprise, but prepared for anything . . . and thanking God for this awesome turn of events!

Adoption ethics in the media recently

Hang onto your hats, adoptive friends . . . this is a long post, but the topic is so important that I hope you'll bear with me.  My bloggy friend Missy alerted me to two articles regarding adoption ethics, specifically in the realm of Christian adoption.  Yesterday, on NPR's Fresh Air program, there was an interview with Kathryn Joyce, author of the upcoming book, The Child Catchers.  The book examines underlying motives about adoption in the Christian context, and the lack of attention often paid to ethical issues in adoption in the midst of the new "orphan fever."

And in Mother Jones magazine, there is a truly sad and horrifying article about adoptions from Liberia and other African countries that were entered into with little preparation, questionable motives, and tragic results.

The Mother Jones article is a particularly difficult read, mostly because of the frightening ethical violations and lack of education on the part of the adoptive parents.  I do feel, however, that it's important to read these articles, for two reasons: first, because it's always important to understand what our culture believes about Christians (so that we can communicate better about Christ), and second, because there are very real ethical concerns in adoption that too many Christians ignore.

I admit I felt sorrowful and defensive about the writers' lack of distinctions (or seeming lack of knowledge) about very different subsets of Christianity.  Michael and Debi Pearl and the abusive methods they teach in their books are lumped in with all of "evangelical" Christianity, when they are a tiny subculture that exists far outside most Christians' knowledge.  (The only reason I know of them is because of one real-life friend and one blog friend who were raised in abusive families/churches that subscribed to their methods.)  Likewise, the adoptive parents' ministry and magazine in the MJ article are people I've never heard of after being a well-read Christian for over 20 years.

I also wondered if the MJ reporter actually knows anyone who is a professing Christian, or if the reporter has been deeply hurt by Christians -- those are a few reasons I can think of for the lack of any semblance of balance in reporting.  The MJ article never mentions the precautions put in place by countries who have agreed to the Hague convention standards, never mentions the rigorous education requirements to adopt from Hague countries, and never contrasts the unethical, uneducated, abusive parents with an example of people who are great adoptive parents. 

Most importantly, the reporter did not seek out families who have left particular country programs because of ethical concerns.  I personally know of two families who have done this (one online friend and one real-life) -- and it would've made for better reporting to include examples like theirs.  When some Christians are aware of ethical issues, it contrasts with and holds accountable those who do not.  I understand that the focus was on unethical adoption practices, but making the article entirely one-sided does a huge disservice to the children waiting for families.  I hate to think that people are being scared away from adopting altogether by articles such as this when there is such a glaring need for loving families to step up.

I won't comment too much on the book, because I haven't read it yet.  I did read the excerpt included with the interview.  In it, Joyce mentions that part of the back story for writing this book was a friendship that began during a previous book about Quiverfull families.  She goes into some detail about her years-long communication with this woman . . . and it seems as though Joyce may, like the Mother Jones reporter, lump different subsets of Christianity together.  (Don't know what Quiverfull means?  It's a patriarchal branch of Christianity that eschews birth control in favor of God determining your family size, and can also include other practices such as women having long hair and wearing dresses.)  But the excerpt was short, so that's all I'll comment on for now.

I'm sharing the links not to upset you, but rather so we can all be prepared to answer well if questions about ethics come our way.  As Christians, we should be VERY concerned that our children come to us in ways that are above reproach.  We should be the MOST concerned.  We should be the ones raising questions first, out of our desire to honor Christ in everything we do.

But too often, we don't.

I am disturbed by the numbers of Christian adoption agencies that seem to pop up like mushrooms when new country programs open up, do not have the same high standards for pre-adoption requirements . . . and then disappear within a few years.

I am disturbed when I see some families get their children home very quickly, when I know other families working with the same country (and a reputable, by-the-book agency) who wait for years.

I am disturbed when other types of orphan care are not mentioned . . . such as sponsor programs, micro-loans for parents to earn a sustainable living, etc.  We should be equally excited about caring for children in-country, who will never be adopted, and creating solutions to alleviate poverty (the reason some families place their children in orphanages.)  Often in church settings, in-country care is never mentioned -- and adoption is presented as the only solution.

I am disturbed when Christian "orphan" conferences do not include the perspectives of any adoptees.  We need to be asking them about their experiences -- they are the experts, and their experiences are actually more important than mine, as an adoptive parent who was the only one who had any choices about my children's adoption experience.

I am disturbed when adoption agencies and adoptive parents don't take time to understand the foreign country's perceptions about orphanages or adoption.  (In many countries, impoverished parents will admit their children to an orphanage so they will have food to eat -- fully intended to get them back in a couple months, when the crops are in, etc.  They have no idea they're agreeing to relinquish their kids permanently.)

I am disturbed when I hear Christians talk about adoption as a mission field, or as saving orphans, or being a means to spread the Gospel.  Of course I will teach all of my children about loving Christ, but first and foremost, adoption is about committing to parent and love a child -- a real, flesh-and-blood child.  When we make it about a cause, we turn a child into a project, which is just dehumanization, plain and simple. 

We Christians who are committed to ethical adoptions need to be ready to speak up.  I know corruption and deception can happen in Hague countries too, and I would hate to unknowingly be part of that scenario.  But we are doing everything in our power, from our agency choice to our country choice, to our dedication to pre-adoption education to make it a good, ethical, beautiful, redemptive thing.

And I'm committed to spreading the word.  Last week, I spoke to our church's moms' group about adoption, and my focus was on the many complexities of international adoption, including loss and grief, making sure adoption is ethical, and being well-equipped to parent in new and different ways (for becoming a transracial family, and for parenting hurting children). 

So I'm speaking up in my little corner of the world!  And I hope you will take opportunities to do the same thing.  Our kids, and all children waiting for stable, loving families, deserve no less.

Great link & good news

Last Friday, we received much-welcomed news about K's case!  We received an e-mail that said our case had passed the state clearance at last!!  We've been waiting since December, when we submitted our power of attorney -- or October, when we received Article 5.  We're not sure which date . . . but either way, it was a long time coming, and we're very grateful to know that we're headed into the court system.

This week, I also heard of a terrific blog written by Kevin Hofmann, an adult transracial adoptee.  He is African-American, and was adopted and raised by Caucasian parents.  He writes thoughtfully about what it was like to look different than most people in his community, and how it felt to feel like he didn't quite fit in either world.

http://mymindonpaper.wordpress.com/

I really appreciate his honest perspective as a person of color.  I will never truly be able to understand what life feels like inside my daughters' skin, and I appreciate his desire to educate parents so we can serve our kids better. 

Tears of joy

I can barely see the computer screen.  For the last two hours, I've been crying, then drying my tears, then suddenly sobbing again at the drop of a hat.  For all of the very best reasons.

Peter called me from work about something totally mundane -- he was checking if I could use a room at church for a meeting that had to be moved last-minute.  The woman who was going to host my meeting has a child with a miserable stomach bug.

Suddenly, I heard other voices in his office, and he said, "What? What?"  Then I heard one of the voices ask why he was crying.  I wondered what in the world was going on.

Then, she took the phone and talked to me.  A family I barely know has been talking and praying about our adoption.  They had a sum of money set aside, and felt that God wanted them to help us bring K home.  She quietly said the amount over the phone, and my face crumpled as I literally burst into tears. 

I am completely overwhelmed at their kindness and generosity.  They are choosing to be part of changing K's life forever.  I don't have any idea why they thought of us -- I believe it is just purely them listening to God and responding in love and obedience.  Our good Father delights in surprising us and lavishing us with unexpected goodness and provision.  Why does He do that?  Why would He bless us so?

What this family doesn't know is that we only had enough in savings to make our final adoption payment.  We had nothing to spare for the trip, and were wondering if we would need to ask for a loan from a family member, or dip into our home equity, or what.  Just this morning while he got ready for work, Peter was wondering if he should call our bank to start asking questions about refinancing our mortgage. 

Their phone call answered those questions.  Their gift will certainly cover all of our plane tickets.  I am still in shock, and so humbled at generosity that asks nothing in return.  They wish to remain completely anonymous.  That is so rare in this world.

Especially in these trying months since October, hearing nothing about K's case, this is such uplifting news.  We are praising the One who meets all our needs, and thanking God for this family's incredible gift.   

Flash mob in Mumbai

Just for fun, a little musical diversion!

Bringing adoption to kindergarten

Anya in a nightgown Grandma sewed.

Today, I was a guest in my daughter's kindergarten class.  I brought in a basket of props and a doll, took a deep breath, and gave a basic explanation of adoption.  My goal was to talk about adoption at school while Anya isn't self-conscious about the topic or about having me in class -- and hopefully to introduce her classmates to positive adoption terminology at a young age.

I laid the groundwork last November, by asking Anya's teacher if she would be open to having me come in.  I wrote up an outline describing what I planned to do, and based it partly on an Adoptive Families magazine article.  I also linked to the article, so she could read a more expert opinion.  She read everything, and worked me into the classroom schedule.

She did have one very important suggestion for me:  there are two other children in Anya's class who are transracially adopted, and she wanted to check with their parents and see if they were comfortable with the idea.  We know one of the families, and knew they were very open with their child about adoption; I had already planned to e-mail that family if the teacher agreed to the talk.

But I am so glad she knew about the other family, and shared the information with them -- I would hate to have blindsided them, or had their child go home upset.  They were grateful, and wanted to tell their child in advance that adoption would be discussed at school.

Today was the big day!  I sat down in front of 25 eager faces, and started with the obvious: "I am Anya's mother, and she's my daughter, but we don't look like each other, do we?"  A sea of enthusiastically shaking heads and a chorus of voices told me that no, we don't look like each other at all!

That was my springboard -- that some families don't look like each other.  I talked about how families can have people who don't look like each other. Sometimes it's because the mom and dad don't have the same color skin, so their children don't look like one of the parents.  And sometimes, families have people who don't look like each other because the children are adopted.

Anya held up a photo of K, and we told the class we were waiting right now for another daughter -- one who also wouldn't look like me, but who would look like Anya.  Then I took the doll in my arms, and asked the children what we would need to take care of a little one.  I chose to bring in the doll to keep the focus off of Anya, and we also didn't share any of her personal details except for where she was born.  We used an older-looking, not-so-babyish doll, since K will be two when she comes home.

That's where my basket of props came in.  I held the doll and asked the children some things that babies or little kids need, and had children take turns choosing something from the basket.  One by one, they picked out objects that showed children need food, medicine, clothes, toys, books, and love.  When we had emptied the basket, I said that it was going to be our job to provide all those things for K, forever, because we were going to be her parents.  We left the objects out on a table where the kids could see them.

Then I said "There's one other thing we haven't talked about that every person needs, and that's to be born and brought into the world."  That, I explained was the job of the first parents.  Every adopted child has two sets of real parents -- the first parents bring her into the world and make sure she's born.  But then, sometimes, grown-ups have big problems that mean they cannot provide all the things a baby needs (and I pointed back to the objects from my basket). 

I stressed that the grown-up problems, like being too young to care for a child or having very bad medical problems, were never the baby's fault . . . and the other two adopted children each raised their hands and chimed in with parts of their own stories.  I wasn't expecting that, but it gave me an opportunity to say "Yes, that is a grown-up problem," and "They wanted to make sure someone would find you and take care of you," and affirm their contribution.

Then I briefly mentioned the helpers at adoption agencies who help the birthparents find families who can take care of their children, and that we were really looking forward to meeting our new daughter, being her family, and taking good care of her for the rest of her life.

Then the children got on a tangent about who had how many siblings, and at least one boy also claimed to have been adopted (I know him and his parents from preschool, and he's not!).  Hopefully that means he "caught" a positive picture of adoption today!  Another little girl told me, "I have light brown skin, and so does my whole family.  So we do look like each other."  It's always fascinating to hear what's going on in their minds.  :o)

I hope this experience will be a good building block for Anya and her classmates.  (And I'm fully aware that the only thing they may remember or report at home is "Anya's mom brought a doll to school!") It's pretty inevitable that someone at school will say hurtful things to her, or family tree/geneaology assignments could cause confusion or pain -- but I'm hoping that we have answered some questions before they needed to be asked, and reinforced my daughter's level of comfort in talking about adoption in general.

A little news . . .

Close-up of stonework at the Taj Mahal.
 

Just thought I'd share a little bit of good news . . . we heard that our case is being forwarded for SARA (state level clearance).  I don't know how long that will take, but please pray that it's quick!  Then our paperwork will be able to move on to NOC.

What a relief to hear something!