Two good children's books about adoption

Our public library is one of our favorite places to spend a hot summer afternoon. On a recent trip, we checked out two children's books that I thought other adoptive friends might be interested in.

Bringing Asha Home is an excellent book we've checked out before -- but Anya Rashi was only two at the time, and it didn't resonate as much for her then. Now, two years into our second adoption, it has definitely "clicked" for her.

In the book, a family waits to adopt a daughter from India. The book is told from the point of view of the older brother, and includes good descriptions of the excitement and frustration he experiences. The book also explains the holiday Raksha Bandan, or Rakhi Day, an Indian celebration of the bonds between brothers and sisters (which falls on August 13 this year). It's an especially helpful book for adoptive families with older siblings, because it gives a voice to the feelings a child might have througout the process.

The title of the second book caught my eye right away! You're Not My REAL Mother! is the big cahuna that many of us adoptive parents dread hearing someday. Full discolosure: I didn't actually read this book to Anya Rashi.

It's actually a good children's book -- it voices real feelings that adopted children sometimes have. In the book, the daughter is upset, and lashes out at her mother. The mother gives a good explanation of a birth mother and her own role, and calmly asks the daughter about what a "real" mother does. They go on to share a heartwarming list of the daily tasks we do for our kids. By the end of the book, the daughter is folded in her mother's arms, agreeing that she is in fact, her "real" mother.

So why not read this book to my daughter? I know she will have more questions someday about her birth parents, and she may resent us or wonder about how her life might have been different with them . . . but I don't want to plant those things in her mind before she's thinking them. And it may never occur to her to think of that particular line about "real" parents on her own. Every child is different, and at this point, I didn't want to suggest something to her that she's not already thinking.

I am, however, very glad that I discovered this book. From other parents, I've heard stories of tearful kids coming home from school after their classmates tell them "Those aren't your real parents." This book will be a great reassurance that we are, in fact, her real parents -- and sometimes seeing something in print helps kids by providing an outside affirmation of what their parents say. With Anya Rashi starting pre-school this year, it's good to be prepared in case any of her classmates bring up the topic of "real" parents.

What do you think about reading this book to a 4-year-old? Have you found any other good children's books dealing with adoption?

Our "last hurrah" . . . but not really

Last year, we planned a "last hurrah" -- a little time away before we became parents to our newest child. Fast forward a little bit . . . and we are not even close to traveling to India. But we decided to make the best of it and stick with our plans anyway.

The boys went off for their first-ever sleep away camp. (The photo kind of makes it look like they joined the army . . . but it's just their ride over to the camp's other lake and cabins!) It's a place we've gone to as a family in past years, and last year they asked if they could go on their own for a week. They had a wonderful week -- not a trace of homesickness, according to them. They came back happy, exhausted, full of mosquito bites, and very proud of themselves.

Meanwhile, Aunt Alicia came to stay with Anya Rashi for a few nights and have a special girls' time together. In the three years she's been home with us, Peter and I have never gone away together, so we wondered how she would do. We needn't have worried . . . every text and photo they sent showed a smiley Anya Rashi, along with questions like, "How many more days can Aunt Alicia stay?"

Peter and I, after dropping the boys off at camp, continued north to the tip-top of Wisconsin. We stayed on the shores of Lake Superior, and spent a day sea kayaking. While it was in the 90s in our hometown, we had to wear thermal gear and wet suits because the lake acts like a big refrigerator. There are a series of sea caves, along with the beautiful Apostle Islands, along the southern shore of Lake Superior . . . it was absolutely breathtaking. The water was emerald green, and little waterfalls trickled down the sandstone cliffs as we paddled by. We also went out to a great restaurant one night, and had a terrific time.

So, even though we aren't headed to India in the near future, we did have a grand time!

Adoption anniversary and Father's Day

Anya Rashi wore one of her Indian outfits to a wedding last weekend -- when we got it for her in Kolkata, it seemed so huge I couldn't picture her fitting into it!

Yesterday we celebrated two important days: June 19 is the anniversary of our court date to finalize Anya Rashi's adoption, and for the rest of the US, it was also Father's Day. It was definitely a day of gratitude for us -- Peter and I have the huge blessing of still having our own fathers close by, and I have the joy of watching Peter parent our kids.

A long time ago, before we even dated, Peter and I saw the movie Parenthood together. (That tells you how long we've known each other!). We were both back on campus a little early because we were on the residence life staff at our university, and decided on a whim to watch the movie together on a free afternoon. During the movie, I remember thinking, "Whoever marries Peter will be such a lucky woman -- he's going to be a great father!" I was dating someone else at the time, and had no idea that I would get to be that woman!

I also had no idea at that time that adoption would be part of my future. We don't do anything too elaborate to celebrate the court date that officially made Anya Rashi part of our family. Usually, we look at photos from that day, and talk about what the kids got to do in the courtroom. I think the day itself doesn't hold as much of an emotional resonance for us because we already felt like she was completely ours, forever . . . and we'd felt that way from the day we first saw her picture.

I am stunned that it's been three years already! Our sons look so little in those photos, and there's barely a trace of baby Rashi left when I look at our long-legged, articulate little girl. Time goes by surprisingly, achingly quickly.

First days of summer

Before and after hair shots!

Our summer is off to a flying start, with a trip to Indianapolis for a graduation and mini-reunion with one of Anya Rashi's cribmates. The graduate was my "practice baby" -- my dear friend Trina's son Tyler. Trina was one of those instant friends -- we worked together at the museum that hired me after I graduated from college, and hit it off right away. Trina, Ty and I lived together from the time Tyler was 8 months old until he was 4 1/2, when Peter and I got married. Tyler is now taller than me, and headed off to college in the fall . . . which means I am officially old. :o)

Trina's family is also one of my adoption inspirations. She is one of four siblings, two of whom are biological children, and two of whom are adopted. When she first told me that, I remember thinking how wonderful that sounded, and a seed of an idea for my future was planted. Then, with Tyler, I realized that I could indeed love someone else's child as though he belonged to me. They are one of the reasons Anya Rashi is here today, and her sister is on the way.

We had a great time together celebrating Tyler. I just reveled in visiting with Trina's parents, and friends who feel like family, though we rarely get to be together in person.

Another terrific part of our weekend was visiting David and his family! David and Anya Rashi were cribmates in India during their first year of life. His mom Christin and I stay in touch through a chat room, and agreed to meet while we were in their city. The kids all enjoyed ice cream, and played together while the grownups talked. It was fun to see David and Anya Rashi picking wild strawberries together, with their two little raven heads bent over the green grass.

Summer would not be complete without the start of baseball season -- because they are only 19 months apart in age, Aaron and Nathan get to be on the same team every other year. I love having them play together! And we can't forget Nathan's annual "shearing." :o) He planned it carefully -- we gave him a buzz the night before the last day of school to surprise his friends.

It's strange to have been a parent long enough to have things that truly feel like traditions. I often wonder what our kids will remember about these days . . . I hope they will think of them with fondness.

ER visit and "wishballs"

On the day her fever started, Anya Rashi happened to be playing hospital -- here is her "office", complete with doctor kit, telephone, and a waiting room full of furry patients. My first clue that she wasn't well was when she got very quiet in her tent, and I found that she'd fallen asleep on the carpet.

It's been an eventful week at the Appleton household. Anya Rashi experienced two firsts -- her first visit to the Emergency Room, and her first dose of antibiotics in four years. She had a cold all last week, but it turned into something else on Thursday, when she got really congested, started a cough, and began running a high fever.

On Saturday night, we woke her to give her some applesauce and next dose of ibuprofen. Well, her stomach decided it had had enough of all the medication, and she couldn't keep the medicine down. Without it, her fever quickly shot up to 105. Her poor little body was like a furnace, so we were off to the ER as fast as we could load her in the car.

The first order of business was getting a dose of Tylenol into her, drop by drop, ever so slowly, so that her body would keep it in. Then came x-rays of her lungs and a strep test, both of which were clear. Her ears were fine, so our kind doctor decided to give her a heavy-duty antibiotic to knock out the suspected infection. In hindsight, I suspect she had a sinus infection, based on a few days of projectile sneezing that came later in the week. :o)

I was so grateful for that antibiotic -- she clearly had an infection of some kind, because Monday was a completely fever-free day, with none of the tapering off, lowered fevers that usually come with a virus. We are so grateful that she bounced back like she did.

By Wednesday, we were back outside for wagon rides and the rediscovery of "wishballs" -- Anya Rashi's very own name for dandelions that have gone to seed. Hope you're enjoying a few wishballs in your own yards!

"Look what Larry made!"

It's been a week of many highs and lows, capped off by some total hilarity today.

The lows started last Friday, when I opened an e-mail from our terrific caseworker. The gist of it was that the adoption process will likely get longer than we ever expected. Our orphanage's license will expire this month, making delays nearly a certainty. As always, they have diligently submitted the proper paperwork, but the powers-that-be often drag their feet with renewals for months.

That day was the first and only time I've cried during this 2-year odyssey. For some reason, my brain cells dredged up a song from a few years back called, "We Thought You'd Be Here By Now." Morale was bad.

Then over Mother's Day weekend, I was loved and pampered extra nicely by my sweet husband and kids. The three children I'm already blessed with pulled me out of my funk, not because they were perfectly behaved or anything, but just because they are mine. I was overwhelmed with gratitude for our three gifts from God, and significantly, for my own mother. An afternoon walking in the woods with my parents, my brother and my own family reminded me exactly how much I have to be grateful for. So many of my friends have already lost their moms, or are still waiting for their first child . . . although it's still difficult to wait, I have no reason to despair.

Anya Rashi's birth mother was on my mind this week too, because of the holiday. I told Anya Rashi I was thinking about her, and said that I bet she wonders where Anya Rashi is living now, or what she looks like now that she's four. But although she brings up her birth parents at times, Anya Rashi wasn't in the mood for talking about them that particular day -- the calendar doesn't mean as much to a 4-year-old, I guess. So I followed her lead and didn't push the subject.

* * * * * * * * * * *

Then today I got to babysit my godsons, Liam (almost 3) and Quinn (1). Aside from their sheer adorableness, they also made me laugh out loud today. Their golden retriever Larry was part of the package too. While I was making lunch, I heard Liam say, with wonder in his voice:

"Look what Larry made!"

Dog owners know there are no good options here. I stepped into the living room to discover dog barf . . . and Peter offered to clean it up. (He said he'd rather do that than make lunch. Honestly.) He discovered the reason for Larry's sickness: three rocks, each bigger than a quarter. (Why, Larry? Why do you eat rocks?!)

I don't know why, but I can't get Liam's awestruck voice out of my head, and I've laughed many times today when I remember him saying, "Look what Larry made!" I guess I'll take my laughs wherever I can find them during this wait.

Celebrations

Since I posted last, we've enjoyed two family celebrations. First came Easter Sunday, which was extra-special this year because our kids were part of the services. Our church choir sing a song called "Baba Yetu", which is the Lord's prayer in Swahili, while people acted out the ministry, death and resurrection of Christ during the song. Our children and some dear friends' children got to be part of the storytelling.

Their part was to join a few other friends in hugging the man playing Jesus, then linking hands and going around in a circle together. Then, during the resurrection scene, the children waved gold ribbons and danced up and down the center aisle. The fascinating thing was that they needed no coaching whatsoever -- they were so excited to hug Jesus, and so joyful as they danced. That was a lesson in itself.

Anya Rashi was the youngest child to participate, and she understood that there was an ordinary man playing Jesus, but she responded to him as though he were a celebrity or something. It was very thought-provoking to compare her reaction to our Jesus character with the way our culture idolizes movie stars or pop singers . . . I sure hope that as she grows, she is able to retain her sense of wonder for the things that are truly wonderful.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The other celebration was Nathan's 9th birthday! He is such a spark in our lives, bringing a lot of energy and laughter to our family. He was also our surprise baby -- after waiting a year to become pregnant with Aaron, suddenly we were shocked at a positive pregnancy test the day after Aaron's first birthday! I remember laughing with Peter and having happy tears when we found out we were expecting a second child. After wondering for a year if we were going to be able to have a baby at all, it was a total joy to suddenly have two sons within 19 months of each other.

On the night of his birthday, I told Nathan a few stories about his earlier years (which he LOVES hearing). How many two-year-olds do you know who have the vocabulary to say "Never!" when told to go to the time out chair? Or to pronounce, from the time-out chair, "This was a very bad idea!"

He is so creative -- the Egyptian birthday theme was his idea. He loves history, and ancient Egypt is his current fascination. Originally, I broke out in a cold sweat at the idea figuring out how to make some kind of Egyptian cake -- but we had a great time searching online for photos of sarcophaguses?? sarcophagi?? , and then it was great fun to take direction from my son as we put his cake together (not to mention the fun facts he shared about how mummies were prepared . . .).

Poor guy is home sick today with a fever and cold, his second day missing school this week. And you know he's really sick, because he's missing a field trip to a planetarium today. We will just have to go on our own when he's well again.

Nathan, we are so happy to have you in our family. Your sense of adventure, your tender heart, your funny streak, your creativity and your love of learning make us so grateful to be your parents. You fill a unique spot in our hearts and lives, and we thank God for you, dear son. Happy 9th birthday!